This isn’t some lofty post about why I do what I do or how I realized what I, excuse me, God wanted to change. It’s just… a few thoughts cranked out after a long day of parenting two people way too close in age.
I’m a simple human, so… don’t laugh.
My life is becoming a bit of a paradox. I’m losing the wish to make a name for myself, and to stop seeking approval from people around me. I’m finding peace in chaos and my total lack of control over how my day will play out. In the process? I’m finding value in being nobody.
Remember when I asked you a couple of weeks ago to go vote for my blog? I had this rush of excitement and energy over blogging. I wanted to commit to becoming this great DIY project blogger. (I’m so funny.) I wanted to create. I wanted to be …. cue the music… a serious blogger. Nothing wrong with any of that. Really, there isn’t. Unless you let it control you.
Confession: It consumed me. The idea of blogging did. It was how I was defining my self-worth and I didn’t even realize it. The more I thought about creating a life outside of “just being a mom,” the more miserable I became. I couldn’t find the time to think clearly. I couldn’t commit to growing the way other bloggers have. I started comparing. And then I wondered if I mattered.
Slippery slope when we do that, isn’t it?
Once I finally stopped lying to myself, and saw this deep “need” to “be somebody,” you know what I did? For the first time in my life, instead of wallowing in self pity, I turned to God. Admitted that my heart needed changing… yet again. It’s always pretty deceitful, that heart of mine. Before you cast a stone… go sit in a quiet corner and look at your own. If you dare! (Do it! Do it!)
It wasn’t faith that helped me. I wasn’t faithful at all. I was dreaming of my own little empire. My own world. ME. ME. ME. ME.
I was losing sight of what matters.
My toddlers. My home. My husband. My God.
It wasn’t faith that brought me to this realization. It was God. It was God being faithful.
I asked him to take away these all-consuming desires that were replacing Him! The God of the universe! Really? I would settle for less? Yeah, actually I would. Grace brought me here. Letting him again take over guiding my life steps.
And faithfully, he will.
What’s most beautiful of all is that in the process, I’m finding that in losing myself in following Christ, I see value I never did before. I am learning how to enjoy God. I’m living thankful in just breathing. In the comfort of a God being in control.
It’s Thanksliving, really.
Finding joy… in being nobody. But knowing I’m somebody…. known before I was born by the God of all creation.